Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The End of Crush

I sold my beloved truck tonight. My friend's husband said I got a good deal. I know I couldn't have done any of it without his help. Thank you John.

When I turned to walk away from my Crush (aka, 1998 Toyota Tacoma), I started to cry. I went inside, straight to Jenniflower and let some tears go. Bittersweet tears. Tears that I actually had money in my purse from that old rust bucket. Tears that it was gone, forever, out of my life. Weird you say? Read on...

I purchased Crush back in March 2007. A triumphant year "in my dis-ease" of alcoholism. I was seeing a married man who owned the most fun Toyota 4x4 I had ever driven. I've always wanted a truck. I borrowed his constantly, when we weren't too busy sneaking around, hiding from his wife and kids. (I don't have to do that anymore).

So on a week long bender, I went out and test drove my very own. It wasn't the one I had my eye on but I couldn't afford THAT one. So I settled for a 10-year old beat up, dark green Tacoma. They only charged me $1,000 for every year since it was built. So generous of them!

I drove off the lot, proud of my accomplishment of turning in my perfectly safe 4-door Saturn, acquiring more debt than I could afford and of course, having a cool truck like my married boyfriend. I had visions of us four-wheeling together off into the sunset. (I don't have visions like that anymore).

My then 2 1/2 year old and I named my newly found treasure "Crush" after the cool Daddy turtle in Finding Nemo. Crush took me all over western North Carolina those first few months. I even brought home a border collie puppy to run around in the bed of the truck as we road around town. Roxi never did like being back there.

Crush took Riley, Roxi, my two kitties Cuervo and Blu and yours truly across the country in July of 2007. I had found a bright red camper shell to fit on top of the dark green bed, sold all my items on the side of the road for gas and high tailed it outta there. I had done enough damage in WNC and it was time for a fresh start.

Crush made it without a hitch. The animals made it without on accident. Riley made it even though her car seat was never installed properly in the back of the xtra cab. And, of course, I made it just fine though I had been drinking Diet Coke with my vodka all the way across this great nation. (Can I get arrested for admitting this now?)

Las Vegas, Nevada seemed like a great place to stop. I was done driving and ready to start my life anew. I sold the camper shell and settled down into what would be worst 8 months of my life.

Whenever I would "wake up" from my fog long enough to realize I was now a single mom raising a child IN VEGAS, I would just reach for another bottle to drown that reality, night after night.

I could go on but this is about Crush, not my insanity - though the two were tightly connected. One gave birth to the other.

I guess that's why selling Crush is so sad. It's showing me that I'm growing up. I've been sober for 2 years, 5 months now and it's starting to reflect in how well my life if going and the countless blessings I am given on a daily basis.

My Crush has been replaced with my mom's 2003 Toyota Camry. She splurged on a new car for herself (go Mom!) and handed me the keys to her "Sparky". Riley doesn't have to sit in the front seat anymore. Thank you Mom.

The tears I shed were few but they symbolized that I am getting well. I can drive and take care of my new "safe Mommy car" with gratitude. I still feel like a fish out of water driving Sparky but something's take longer to get over.

I will miss you Crush but your new owners are going to take great care of you.

Now it's time to travel down the road of happy destiny.

Until we meet again...

THE END