Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Acceptance

My friend, an amazing young woman in sobriety, sends me texts every morning to start my day. Today's message hit home. "Serenity comes when you stop expecting and start accepting." Acceptance.... Here goes: I was born with a facial deformity; being beautiful is out of the question. I can't fill a pre-teens bra; flat chests aren't attractive. I've made some horrible, life-altering decisions; I'm where I brought myself. I've hurt my mother and brother beyond repair; there's no way to go back to innocent. I'm mental and crazy; Duh I'm a receptionist at a dead-end job; I get what I settle for. I let anyone have me, whenever they want; I have no self-respect or confidence. I hate who I am; Get over it - you made your bed now lie in it and stop hurting everyone else around you.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

When "I'm Sorry" No Longer Works

Amazing how 24 hours can change your perspective.

Last night, I thought I had lost my mother. The feelings of not being good enough, not being able to be the daughter she needed, and not making up for all the wrong's I could never make right flooded my conscience along with all the regret and sorrow that goes along with it.

Today, with great relief, my mother is not gone and is with those that can give her the care she needs.

The years of disappointment have taken their toll. When it comes to my mother's friends, they are amazing, wonderful women that will do anything for her, as good friends should be. When it comes to letting me in, well that's another story.

I've made more mistakes in my 40 years than I can count. (Haven't we all?). I've tried for the last decade to redeem myself. Yesterday, I realized that the poison, the gossip, the anger continues to fester.

When another person's snide remarks "tell" you that all is NOT well and that you should probably go away, you tend to get a little sore and sad.

I don't blame my mother and her friends for how they feel. I have my own friends that know my pain and want to protect me from harm.

Why is this any different?

It's different because I am the one they are protecting her from. *ouch*

I am so happy that my mother is getting the medical help she needs along with the help of her countless, very protective friends.

I ache to be there with her but it's obvious that I'd do more damage than good simply by walking through the door.

What haunts me now are the unanswered questions that run circles in my mind...

Is it ok to turn around and walk away? Is it ok to stop trying? Is it ok to know that others will talk and say what makes them feel better yet it no longer is something I can put up with? Is it worth it to never see my mother again?

I was hoping last night could be another opportunity to show my love and regret for who I've become by driving all night to show up with a great BIG hug.

Today I understand that it's a good thing that I turned the car around.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Insomnia's Cursed Blessing

It's 4:01am where I'm at. I've been up for an hour. I keep checking my FB on my BB - nothing. I think to myself "when did I start "speaking" in letters?

I look over at my sweet animals, awakened by my restlessness, now trying to stay awake for the sake of my company as their little eyes grow heavy and they drift off to dream what I hope are peaceful dreams.

After a night of tears and sadness over the uncertainty of my Mother's health, my daughter lies next to me, already in blissful oblivion, her light breathing soothes my soul. I ponder over my blessings for there are many, so many.

I think about my Mom. She and I have had years of heartache and pain, caused mainly by my selfish need to demand that everyone "love" each other the way I need them to. The irony of that catches up to me this morning. To force anyone to love a certain amount or a certain way is a complete oximoron and belittlement of the word. I search my heart for a way to let go of my limiting and hurtful ideals. I yearn to know what it's like to truly love someone. Then I look down at my daughter. Bingo.

I think about the piggy bank out on the counter that has my last bit of savings in it. Meant for Riley and Disneyland, I am saddened that I will yet again have to empty the piggy to get food in the fridge.

I think about the men I've known. Most of them are a waste of my thoughts. They shouldn't keep me too long from writing about those that are worthy. A few come to mind that I quitely wish the best for. One floats on through that will never, ever leave my mind until I take my last breath. "I still love you Edward" echoes in the deepest part of my mind, heart and soul. Wherever you are, I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you have found the love that still eludes me today.

I think about my Cuervo kitty that is beyond her years. She hangs on to life maybe to love on my daughter's head as she sleeps. Maybe to look up at me with those piercing green eyes to "tell" me she loves me. Maybe to continue to watch over all of us and make sure we're ok. I hope it's the love we return that keeps her little kitty heart beating. I dread the day that I come home and there's no Cuervo to greet me.

I think of how I want to get out of this town. Find a place of solice and beauty once again. Then I am reminded to bloom where I'm planted. I know this place is temporary, even if it takes years to find my way out.

Thoughts return to my Mom. I pray she is sleeping peacefully somewhere in some hospital room. I send her my love via the invisible airwaves and into the Universe. She'll never know how much I love her. I believe NOW is my opportunity to show her.

I want to go on and on - a purge of thoughts that plague me and bless me as well wish to pour from my mind onto this electronic outlet. As the laptop battery fades to black, I most go now, proofread and post. I'm hoping these words will be read someday, possibly by another lost soul out there that cannot sleep either.

Goodnight my loves.