Amazing how 24 hours can change your perspective.
Last night, I thought I had lost my mother. The feelings of not being good enough, not being able to be the daughter she needed, and not making up for all the wrong's I could never make right flooded my conscience along with all the regret and sorrow that goes along with it.
Today, with great relief, my mother is not gone and is with those that can give her the care she needs.
The years of disappointment have taken their toll. When it comes to my mother's friends, they are amazing, wonderful women that will do anything for her, as good friends should be. When it comes to letting me in, well that's another story.
I've made more mistakes in my 40 years than I can count. (Haven't we all?). I've tried for the last decade to redeem myself. Yesterday, I realized that the poison, the gossip, the anger continues to fester.
When another person's snide remarks "tell" you that all is NOT well and that you should probably go away, you tend to get a little sore and sad.
I don't blame my mother and her friends for how they feel. I have my own friends that know my pain and want to protect me from harm.
Why is this any different?
It's different because I am the one they are protecting her from. *ouch*
I am so happy that my mother is getting the medical help she needs along with the help of her countless, very protective friends.
I ache to be there with her but it's obvious that I'd do more damage than good simply by walking through the door.
What haunts me now are the unanswered questions that run circles in my mind...
Is it ok to turn around and walk away? Is it ok to stop trying? Is it ok to know that others will talk and say what makes them feel better yet it no longer is something I can put up with? Is it worth it to never see my mother again?
I was hoping last night could be another opportunity to show my love and regret for who I've become by driving all night to show up with a great BIG hug.
Today I understand that it's a good thing that I turned the car around.