Monday, May 14, 2012

Middle-Aged Mess...or Maybe Not?

It's Monday morning. I'm at work desperately trying to look busy and not die from boredom at the same time.

These last few weeks have taken me for a ride that I would rather have avoided all together. As things seem to happen for a reason, I needed to take this trip to learn from it. The trip is over but the learning from it part has evaded me. That's what scares the shit out of me.

I started this blog many moons ago simply to express what was happening "inside of me"; my personal growth, my spiritual experiences, my passions, my pain.

Unfortunately, I have abused it along the way; taking out my frustrations, my anger and my bitterness with people, places and things. Most times, I haven't held back, thinking that spewing all over this electronic platform will somehow make me feel better. All it really does is hurt others and leave me with a feeling of conintued angst.

On the otherhand, this is my blog, my space, my journey. This blog is going to evolve like any living being, with good and evil; beauty and disgust; joy and sorrow. If you read this on occasion in hopes of adding to your ammunition against me, have fun as I am full of all kinds of messed up stuff. Then check your motives and kindly fuck off go away. I prefer that you simply try to enjoy my "happenings" and live and let live.

I have found myself going through some sort of identification crisis as of late. I recently had another short-lived stint with a previous boyfriend that ended up (again) in a twisted mess of painful feelings that should never have been unearthed.

I won't even bother discussing the details any further than saying I am in no place, emotionally, spiritually or mentally, to be trying to accept or give back any form of love outside of my comfort zone. Loving another person, of the opposite sex, intimately (*pause for effect...*) is apparently not on my "To Do" list right now (pun intended). Though I desperately wanted to be ready, I had to be honest with myself and him (finally) that I just don't possess any way to give back or receive. Selfish? You bet! I still haven't grown up ya know.

My only regret for ending the relationship (again) is that I could not (or is it would not?) listen to my God-Voice, my intuition, my conscience until more pain had to be dealt. I certainly didn't handle this like a well-balanced, mature adult.

Damn I really suck sometimes.

But then again, we all do.

I don't have the corner market on being a piece of shit to someone else. (More like the corner office) but I digress.

I sought out this post for some kind of quick fix, instant relief if you will, since drugs and alcohol really don't work for me. At least not anymore. (Wait...did they ever?!)

Nevermind that...

I want to feel better about what I've done. I want to forgive myself for my actions. I want to let go, forgive and forget, blah blah blah. Same old sob story.

What I really need to do is shit or get off the pot. This is getting old.

Why do I always try to force some sort of peace in my life? Haven't I learned by now that forcing anything is a direct contradiction to the serenity and sanity that I seek? Hmmm, not so much.

However, I am getting closer...

I've even come into question about what/who God really is to me. Well, let me re-phrase that.

I've come into question about what/who God is to me because I'm allowing others' concepts of "their God" to cloud my Vision.

I stopped trusting in myself that the God I believe in has always been there for me and will never leave me, regardless if another person thinks I'm going to Hell.

Hell, for me, is when I'm fighting what comes from my heart, the very same heart that God gave me.

I really do need to stop people pleasing. Really.

I'm happiest (with myself) when I'm not giving a shit what others think of me.

Wait, I need to repeat that.

I'M HAPPIEST (WITH MYSELF) WHEN I'M NOT GIVING A SHIT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME.


Well, that felt good. No, that felt GREAT! I think I've blogged myself into some perspective. I dig that about me. *wink*

So, until later, take care of you cause that's all you have.

Jenny Defx <3